Hey! Happy first day of November! I hope y’all all had a great Halloween yesterday. Amelia wasn’t overly impressed with her first holiday, mainly because she’s yet to learn how incredibly delicious Reese’s and Snickers are. Next year I’m sure she’ll have a lot more fun. 🙂

I’ve spent the last 7 weeks doing the most fun, exhausting job I’ve ever gotten to do: being a mom. My whole life that’s all I ever really wanted to do, and now that I get to live that dream, I’m finding that it’s even better than I imagined it would be. Amelia is truly a dream come true. The past couple of months have really been the best and most challenging months I think I’ve ever had, and I’ve just learned so much.

I’ve learned that I am capable of eating more quickly than it’s probably healthy to eat.

I’ve learned that dry shampoo still does a good job even on the 6th day of not washing your hair.

I’ve learned that I can still function on less than 3 hours of sleep, and that wearing glasses is an excellent way to help hide those tell-tale dark circles.

I’ve learned that babies can sleep through pretty much anything – during the day. 🙂

I’ve learned that I can reheat the same cup of coffee multiple times and when I finally get to drink it it still tastes (almost) like it was freshly brewed.

But my favorite thing I’ve learned is how much love my heart is capable of holding. Every day that passes I love Chris and Amelia more. My heart feels like exploding when Chris scoops up the baby and calms her when she cries, or when he bounces her up and down and she grins at him. Some days I still can’t believe that this is my life, that I get to raise sweet Amelia and to be her momma. But if I’m being totally honest with y’all, not all days are rainbows and butterflies.

Some days I feel overwhelmed, and then feel guilty for feeling that way. After all, I didn’t physically give birth to Amelia, I don’t have raging hormonal shifts from delivering a baby happening in my body to make me feel all the things. I have no reason to feel overwhelmed, right? Some days I feel bad that I even think of asking for help. I hate asking for help anyway. And after all, I am physically capable of caring for my child so I should be able to do it all day long all on my own, right? Some days I feel like I’m not a good mom because I actually enjoy getting out of the house alone sometimes, without taking Amelia with me. I should always want her attached to me at the hip, right?

Here’s the thing: I put so much pressure on myself to be able to do it all. Alone. All by myself. And that’s just stupid. I have the best husband in the whole world, who comes home from working all day long and does the chores I didn’t get to during the day, because Amelia was needing extra snuggles. I have a husband who is the best daddy in the whole world, who can swaddle that baby better than anyone, and who completely adores our sweet girl. I make myself so anxious with feeling like I have to do everything, but I don’t even come close to doing everything by myself. I never could!

I realized after much self-reflection that I put all this pressure on myself because I felt like I needed to make up for the fact that Amelia didn’t grow inside of me, that I somehow needed to prove that I am a mother. How ridiculous is that? I’ve learned – or I guess I should really say that I’ve come to more fully understand – that being a parent has everything to do with love. It has everything to do with being there when your kids need you. And that isn’t contingent on biology. Amelia is in no way biologically related to me and Chris and yet the first time we saw her it felt like we’d known her forever, like she was completely a part of us. I feel like we spend so much time trying to be the best parents, and do everything perfectly for our children, that we end up missing out on the most important aspects of parenthood: spending time just being with our children. Whether or not they share the same blood is largely irrelevant when it comes down to it. The important thing is the love you share.

I feel a little bit like I just spilled my guts to y’all; I guess this motherhood thing is making me (more) emotional. But I felt like it’s important to share the not-so-great along with the great. I freaking love my life. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. I’m human, I struggle, and that doesn’t really mean anything except that I’m human. I love being Amelia’s mom, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need a little alone time sometimes. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work. I love it, but it is far from easy. I think that’s the beauty of this life though: being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding, fun, and beautiful thing I’ve ever done. And I’m so proud and thankful that I get to do this job.

Okay, enough rambling. I have Mass to attend (happy All Saints’ Day friends!), a gumbo to cook (because it’s below 60 degrees in Louisiana, so obviously we need gumbo) and a baby to snuggle (I can’t even lie – I’d hold her all day if I could). Please keep our little family in your prayers as we continue getting used to this parenting thing…Amelia will be 7 weeks old tomorrow but I still feel like most days we’re just winging it and don’t really know what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks we’re doing. 🙂 As always, please know that I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey friends! I’m back! It feels like ages since I’ve even had an opportunity to sit down and try to write in this little space, even though it’s only been 6 weeks. But what a crazy 6 weeks it’s been! As most of y’all know, our sweet girl, Amelia Anne Catherine, was born September 14th. None of the plans we so carefully laid actually happened, but I don’t even care. God proved once again that His plans are better.

We had planned to drive out to the state where Amelia’s birth mom, T, is from, because we all thought we would have plenty of time to do that. She wasn’t showing any signs of going into labor and the due date was coming up, so we really thought that driving would be absolutely perfect. Ha. We were wrong. The day we were set to start driving, which was three days before the due date, T texted me that she was starting to have some signs of labor and that we needed to head out there.

Chris and I went into panic mode immediately. I was freaking out, I could hardly breathe, and we were both running around like crazy people trying to finish packing and reorganize our luggage to be better suited for flying. We got the only flight out that day, and arrived late that night in the state where we’d meet our daughter and her beautiful first momma. Less than 48 hours later we were holding sweet Amelia Anne Catherine, and feeling so much love we didn’t even know what to do with ourselves.

God’s plans are so sneaky. And beautiful. I thought I wanted to share with y’all all the ways God’s hands were in this process, and I thought I would tell y’all all about our time in the state where Amelia was born and the things that made her joining our family even more beautiful and special. But I’m not going to share those things. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not that I don’t want to shout from the rooftops how incredibly amazing God is and how perfectly He designed this journey for us. But all those most beautiful and special details make up my daughter’s story, and they’re for her to share when she wants to share them.

I will tell y’all, though, that I had no idea that adoption could be so beautiful. Obviously I know it’s an amazing, complex, beautiful, messy thing. The sheer magnitude of adoption is staggering. But so many things happened over the last six weeks that completely blew my mind. So many things that I never imagined or dreamed of happening in adoption. Conversations were had and people were introduced and families were grown in ways that I never would have thought possible. Again, they are details that Amelia can share one day if and when she wants to. I’m just so thankful that God didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the apprehensions I had about open adoption. I’m so glad He took our hearts and shaped them and softened them to be able to welcome the incredible gift that we have received through having openness in Amelia’s adoption.

I know this post is a little cryptic. But y’all know I share as much as I feel in my heart is right to share, and I just feel like one day Amelia will be so happy to be the one to share all the special details surrounding how she joined our family. And she will be able to share about how loved she is by both of her families. She’s completely and unconditionally loved by everyone who is part of her story. She’s the answer to our countless prayers, and so is her first mom. I do feel like I need to make something very clear, though: Amelia’s birth mom is amazing. I have so much love and respect for her, but not just because of her gift of Amelia. She is incredible in her own right. And had she chosen to parent Amelia, I know Amelia would have a wonderful, love-filled life. But T chose me and Chris to have the joy of being her daughter’s parents. She chose us to become part of her own life forever.

I will never be able to put all my feelings for T into words. And maybe that’s a good thing. There are so many intense emotions that even trying to sort them out is overwhelming. So I just feel them. Our joy comes from T’s grief, and that’s a tough pill to swallow, but I also have a lot of peace in our family’s story because we didn’t close ourselves off to what God had planned for us. Allowing ourselves to walk through an open adoption situation even when we were scared led us to being able to have visits and conversations that brought immense amounts of peace and joy. God is so good, friends.

We are so happy to be back in our own home instead of living out of hotels like we did for 35 days. Our routines are getting established again and Amelia is now used to her new home. It was rough the first night back because we were running on almost no sleep, and Amelia was cool without sleeping, so that wasn’t too fun. But now she loves her little bed and has a routine all set. She’s growing so quickly it almost makes my heart hurt, but at the same time I’m loving watching her grow. She gets more alert and active every day, and she’s getting stronger and chunkier too! We just love her.

I have a lot more thoughts that I actually will share with y’all, but they’re for another post. I have a baby to tend to who loves to be held and cries when she’s put down. 🙂 As always, please continue to keep our family in your prayers, and keep Amelia’s first family in your prayers as well. I’m praying for y’all! ❤️

Hey everyone! Welcome back to my rambling and disorganized thoughts on everything going on right now. I’m so glad you’re here. 🙂

We’re in the final countdown now, friends. I’m honestly hoping this is my last blog post for a few weeks. I’m hoping we get a call this week that baby is on her way. But in the meantime, Chris and I are just trying to enjoy the last few days before we hopefully become parents. It’s such a bittersweet time in our lives. If I’m being totally honest, I am a little scared. Okay, I’m a lot scared. I may not be carrying this baby, but I love her and I want to be the best momma to her that I can possibly be. And there are so many doubts filling my mind all the time. But I feel in my soul that I was born to do this. I’ve always felt that I was meant to be a mom, and while that doesn’t completely quell the fears and worries and doubts, it does ease them a little.

I have noticed, in this last week especially, that I’ve been so emotional thinking about our marriage and our life together lately. As though all the wonderful days of just the two of us are over now. And they’re so not! I know that things will be completely different once a baby is added to our family, but it will be such a good kind of different and new! Sure, we won’t be able to just get up and go whenever we want, and gone are the days of slow and lazy weekend mornings, but I tell you what, I’m so ready for the chaos of a newborn.

Even though I’m feeling sadness that one phase of our life is ending, I’m freaking pumped for this new phase, too. It just feels so strange to be heading into parenthood. Chis and I have been together nearly 7 years now, and it’s always been just us. Our foundation is so strong and solid, and I love what we’ve built together. We waited to try to have kids until we’d been married for a little while for that exact reason: we wanted to be a strong couple, and to have the opportunity to navigate the early days of being married and living together for the first time. It was a real fear that we’d have kids right off and once they were grown and gone, we’d have no clue how to just be married and together, without the addition of children.

Our plans for growing our family obviously didn’t pan out like we thought they would, and y’all know how I feel about my plans being derailed, but I wouldn’t want to walk through this crazy journey with anyone other than Chris. We may not have it easy, but my goodness is our life sweet. I still count the hours till we can both be home together in the evenings, and I still can’t wait till he’s off on the weekends so we can spend all our time together. Chris is absolutely my best friend and favorite person, and I’m beyond excited to watch him become a dad.

Goodness, I’m clearly feeling emotional these days. But I have a good excuse, so it’s fine. 🙂 I just can hardly believe we’ve made it this far already. We are a mere 9 days from Baby Girl’s due date. 9 DAYS PEOPLE. I’m excited, nervous, scared, joyful, and just generally emotional. Obviously. Baby’s bag is packed, our bags will soon be packed, and we are just waiting for a phone call now. I’m itching to just head out. The waiting is so stressful, but Baby will come when she’s ready. I’m just hoping she’s ready sooner rather than later.

Please continue to keep the expectant momma in your prayers, and pray for the continued health of both her and her baby. And please pray for me and Chris, that we can have the grace, courage, and strength to accept any and all surprises, challenges, and joys I’m certain these next few weeks will bring. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

This Sunday is September 1st. What the heck people?! This Sunday it is officially BABY MONTH!!!!! The last 6 weeks since we matched have absolutely flown by. I knew they would, but it still felt like a long time at first. Now it feels like we just got the match call, and we didn’t know if the baby was a boy or a girl, and we didn’t really have any clue what we were in for during the next two months. We had no idea we’d be able to build a relationship with the expectant mom, no idea what updates would be like, and no idea of the immense love our hearts could hold for a baby we have yet to meet. Amazing what you can learn in such a short amount of time. 🙂

I was told a while back by an adoptive parent that hopeful adoptive moms experience a nesting phase just like any other expectant moms…and it’s really true. I’ve been washing clothes and itching to pack our bags, clean the house, and have everything in complete order for when we get the call to travel. It’s weird, actually, because I went for so many weeks feeling like it wasn’t real. I guess it just hadn’t completely sunk in. But as we come up on the two week mark until Baby Girl’s due date, I am freaking out just a little bit more with each passing day. The fact that we are now receiving regular updates on the progress of the expectant mom and Baby Girl definitely go a long way in helping everything seem even more real. In the very foreseeable future, Chris and I get to travel to meet that sweet momma and baby and we could not be more ready or more excited.

I’m still struggling with the anxiety surrounding this whole process, though. I have anxiety brought on by my lack of control, and then I feel more need to control things because of the anxiety, and it’s a vicious circle. But it’s all good. Some days are calm and relaxed and others are me running around like a crazy person, feeling insanely busy all day but really getting nothing done because there’s not actually a whole lot left for me to do. I’ve realized that some of that anxiety is coming from the fact that not only are we almost in baby month and ready to meet Baby Girl, but September is also the month I was due when I was pregnant with Madeleine. She would’ve been two on September 11th.

I still have those pregnancy tests, the only positive ones I ever saw. Actually, I should say they are the only positive ones I got that I wanted to see: I was totally unaware of how long it would take my body to stop producing pregnancy hormones once I started to miscarry, and I had to take pregnancy tests weekly during the time it took my body to miscarry, to find out if my hormones had regulated again. It took 7 weeks. Needless to say, I tossed every one of those vile false positive tests. But I still have the first two I took, the real positive ones, the ones that told us Madeleine was there. I know I’ll never get rid of them. They sometimes feel like the only proof I have left that I was ever pregnant, and that Madeleine existed. I remember excitedly counting the weeks to figure out my due date, and loving the fact that her birthday would be in September with most of Chris’s family. For weeks following my miscarriage I couldn’t stop keeping track of what week we should’ve been in in the pregnancy. People who knew I was pregnant but didn’t know I had miscarried would ask how far along I was and I could still tell them right away, followed immediately by, “…but I miscarried.” I still don’t know when I stopped keeping track of each passing week, but I do remember being so relieved when I was finally able to stop.

The trauma of that miscarriage and the loss of our baby has not left me and I know it never will. But I thank God it’s gotten a little easier. Some days are still really hard. Some days I still have to take a minute and just cry because I miss our baby. But it’s not every day. Most days I can smile when I think about what she would’ve been like had she had a chance to grow and be welcomed into the world. But at the same time there isn’t a doubt in my mind that she had an impact on the world and on our future. Madeleine was sent into our family for a reason and she was loved immeasurably for the 7 weeks we got to spend knowing she was growing inside me, and she continues to be loved tremendously now.

Obviously this coming month is so bittersweet for me. When we presented to the case that we matched with, I really loved the fact that the expectant mom was due in September. A lot of the cases we saw had September due dates, actually. It was like a little special gift that the month that brings so much heartache and such painful memories can now bring sweet memories and hopefully happy endings too. Madeleine will always be our first baby, and no matter how many children we adopt or welcome into our family biologically, she will never be replaced. But I know she had a hand in leading us to the expectant momma who chose us. I prayed so hard for Madeleine to intercede for us, and for her to be able to have a little brother or sister she could watch over from Heaven. And here we are, hopefully really close to having those prayers answered.

Please pray for Baby Girl to continue to grow healthy and strong, and for the expectant momma to have continued peace and confidence, and that she remains healthy and well for the duration of her pregnancy. We are getting so very close to meeting them, and to starting on a whole new adventure, one that will be unlike our wildest dreams, but one that we’re also really looking forward to and excited for. Please keep praying for me and Chris as we get ready to embark on this new phase of life in a couple of weeks. We could definitely use all the prayers! And as always, I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey everyone! I just looked at my calendar and realized there is only one full week of August left. Where has this year gone? I definitely understand now what my parents meant when they used to say that the older you get the more quickly the years go by. It’s so true. Summer is practically over – the season anyway, definitely not the temperatures – school has started again, and next thing we know we’ll be seeing pumpkin flavored everything and hearing Christmas music in all the stores.

The days are just blending together and time seems like it’s flying by. That’s a good thing on one hand, but on the other hand I’m really aware lately of the fact that these are likely our last days with just me and Chris. Our last few weeks of date nights every weekend and slow Saturday mornings sipping coffee on the front porch, for a while, at least. Our last few weeks of just the two of us. Our lives are about to be turned upside down in hopefully only the best ways, and I’m so ready for it!

It seems like only yesterday that Chris was telling me he was ready to start the adoption process, when in reality it was over 6 months ago. But my goodness the changes we have seen in the last 6 months. I don’t think we’ve ever accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. We did have a 6-month engagement, but our wedding preparations were significantly less stressful than these few months have been! From completing our home study and agency paperwork and filling out more papers than I ever thought I would in my life, to accepting the match that we had prayed for for so long, this has been a really crazy and busy half a year. So many things have changed, and we’re just getting started! Through it all God has just given us grace upon beautiful grace to help us through all the new things.

So here we are, a mere 3.5 weeks away from Baby Girl’s due date. Three and a half weeks y’all. I’m freaking out a little bit. We haven’t gotten anything together for ourselves yet but I can promise y’all that little girl is going to be the best dressed little miss in the hospital! We don’t know yet whether we will be driving or flying out to meet the baby and her biological mom and we probably won’t know for sure how we’re getting there until it’s time to actually make that decision. We could get a call any day now that the baby is coming and we’ll need to make our travel decision based on what the expectant mom has decided for her delivery and hospital stay. We are definitely hoping to be able to drive, as it will be really nice to have our own car and to not have to bring a baby back home on a plane. Because all kinds of people breathing on the baby just makes me very uncomfortable. But hey, whatever happens, it is going to be okay. We’ll make it work, and God will provide.

I’m just so giddy when I think about how soon all of this is going to go down. I can’t believe it’s so close. We’re still so excited to meet the expectant mom and to spend some more time getting to know her, if she wants that. I wish I could tell y’all all the little things that have taken place that bring me an immense amount of peace about the whole situation. One day I will share those things will y’all. But for now, I can just tell you that I’ve seen God’s hand in this process, throughout the waiting, and in this match over and over and over again, and it blows me away. Things that I could never have planned myself that point so clearly to God. He’s so good to us. No matter the outcome of this process, God has been with us and it’s so obvious to me that He brought us to this particular momma and baby for a specific reason. Our stories were always meant to be intertwined and I think that’s a really beautiful thing. Yes adoption is hard and messy and painful, but y’all, the beauty that God brings from that mess is just incredible.

Please continue to pray hard for the momma who chose us to have peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead, and for God to give her the courage and strength to make whatever decision is best for the baby. And please pray that when the baby is close to making her appearance Chris and I can get a heads up far enough in advance that we can make the drive to get where we need to be, rather than having to book a flight last minute. But also just pray for trust for us. Trust that whatever happens over these next weeks we can always remember that God has a plan. And His plans are always for the good of our souls, and that’s ultimately the most important thing. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey there friends! I hope you all had the best week. It’s been busy and crazy in our house, but that does make the days pass more quickly, so I’m definitely okay with it. We are in the home stretch in our countdown to Baby Girl’s due date, and we are so excited! I do have a lot of fears, and I’ve never been shy to share about those negative feelings, but I am really, really excited and hopeful, too.

Every update we receive from the expectant momma who chose us makes my heart skip a beat. Every day that passes I know is bringing us closer to meeting that sweet momma and baby. I started washing the baby clothes this week. I held off for a long time, out of fear mostly, but also because so much was up in the air. But here we are, just a few short weeks from the days we’ve prayed and hoped for for so very long. And I decided it would be an act of hope and courage to start really going all in and preparing for a baby. So now our house smells like Dreft detergent and I love it. With every piece of clothing I wash, I’m so shocked and surprised when I realize how small that baby will likely be. I’ve been around a lot of babies in my time (I do have 7 younger siblings, after all, not to mention that my job throughout high school and college was babysitting) but it never ceases to amaze me how small they start out. The little body suits make my heart melt and I can’t wait to snuggle a tiny baby in one.

I’ve organized the clothes and beautiful accessories the baby has already been given, and when I think about the generosity of our family and friends, I’m honestly overwhelmed. There has not been one person to whom we’ve told our adoption plans who did not immediately brim over with love and joy for us. The prayers, support, and love from our family and friends has been incredible. We’ve received so many gifts in the way of clothing for the baby, not to mention bottles, bedding, a changing table and bassinet, beautiful headbands, handmade blankets and bonnets, and an absolutely beautiful handmade dress from my aunt that makes me want to weep every time I see it. It makes my heart melt when I stop and remember how very loved we are, and how loved our children will be. All the fears we experienced before starting the adoption process completely vanished when we told our families we were hoping to adopt. I was so afraid that maybe a baby who wasn’t biologically related to us would be treated differently by people, but there is not a doubt in my mind anymore that our children will be loved immeasurably, whether they come to us through adoption or biologically.

I’m coming to understand that adoption is not for everyone, and it absolutely requires a courage and faith that can only fully be found in God. I never in a million years would’ve imagined when we got married that Chris and I would be here now. I never would’ve thought that we would be unable to have children who share our DNA. Even though we always wanted to adopt and were always open to it, we definitely believed it would be in addition to biological kids. But God’s plans are different. There is no way we could be walking this road, full of fear and doubt, grief and tears, without God. Even when we were angry and didn’t want to acknowledge His presence, even when we said, “no more” and “I give up,” God was there, whether we let Him in or not. Yes, we are terrified. I’m scared out of my mind some days. But here we are, walking this journey with an expectant mom we cannot wait to meet, on the road to meeting a baby we all love with our whole hearts. It’s confusing and messy and really overwhelming, but it’s beautiful too. And it’s because of the support of family and the love of our Heavenly Father that we can experience the joy and beauty even in the midst of the hard stuff.

I’m really glad we have the opportunity to share our journey with y’all. It means so much when people let us know they’re following our story and praying for us and thinking about us. I love the community that has come from simply starting to write about our sufferings and joys and fears and triumphs. It’s amazing to me that God has brought us so much support through this little blog of mine. It doesn’t get a whole lot of attention most weeks, which I’m completely okay with because I usually just write because it’s therapeutic for me, but when I realize how many people are actually rooting for us and cheering us on because I share with y’all, I’m just blown away. So thank you. Thank you for the prayers thus far, and please continue keeping us in your prayers as we get closer and closer to meeting some very special people very soon. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Do y’all ever feel like your life is flying by and you’re just trying to hang on for dear life? That’s essentially how I’ve been feeling lately. It’s crazy how quickly the days are passing by, and I have this feeling of being on a roller coaster, never knowing what’s going to be around the next corner or at the top of the next hill. I feel like I’m on cloud nine one day and the next I’m struggling not to cry my eyes out from worry. Some days it’s hard to breathe because I feel so bogged down by all the emotions.

I’m coming to accept that in this season of our lives, with so many emotional changes taking place, that is just our new normal, and it will pass. I tend to become so caught up in how I’m feeling and forget that those feelings will change and they’ll pass, and calm, quiet, stress-free days will be back again. I know that once we have a baby in the house it’ll be a whole different kind of stress, but I’m looking forward to those changes. It’s the limbo we’re in now that feels unbearable. It’s the not knowing how things will end up that’s so hard to handle. I mostly feel like I need a nap, a hug, a little wine, lots of chocolate, ridiculous amounts of coffee, and a whole bunch of prayers, every minute of every day. Y’all are laughing, but it’s true. But during all of this, God has been making His presence known to me in such a tangible way, and I’m continuously shocked by His goodness.

It’s really been since we said yes to presenting to our first case. I’ve been feeling so anxious and worried about so many things, as y’all well know, and yet every time I have the opportunity to receive Jesus in Holy Communion, I can feel His grace and His peace. It’s the craziest thing, but I can actually feel the stress melt away, almost instantly, and in it’s place is the sweetest peace and quiet stillness. I obviously always knew that Christ is truly present in the Eucharist, but God has been giving me the grace of letting me feel His presence in a more real way than I ever did before. Maybe it’s just because He knew I needed that reminder that He’s with me, or maybe it’s because He knew I needed to feel His peace and love in a deeper way. But whatever the reason, I’m amazed by God’s goodness towards me. Isn’t it funny how God can use any and every situation as an opportunity to show us He’s right there with us? I used to think that only great saints had graces like that bestowed on them, and then I remembered that the saints were just regular people who recognized the graces God gave them and used them to gain Heaven.

I just love how God is always waiting for us to be still and quiet enough that He can remind us that He’s there. Of course he’s always with us and looking out for us, otherwise we’d cease to exist, but He wants us to truly and undoubtedly KNOW that He’s got our backs, always. Since dealing with infertility and adoption I’ve joked many times that God gave me a temperament that enjoys and thrives on planning and executing said plan…and then forced me into situations that required me to let go of all control. He’s got a real sense of humor, that one. He has forced me to rely solely on Him and His plans, and just when I feel like I’m going to snap, He gives me these beautiful graces, like feeling His presence so deeply and profoundly every time I receive Communion.

I think we probably all receive graces like that all the time, and we don’t even notice them. We don’t even realize what an incredible gift we have in our belief in God, and our knowledge that He’s always with us. I know that I feel like I don’t deserve to receive God’s love and mercy, and I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling that way. But y’all, we are all sinners and we can all be saints! Jesus is waiting for every single one of us in that Tabernacle in all His humanity and divinity, and He would wait there if there was only one soul left on Earth. How amazing is that?

I’ll be honest with y’all, just sharing my thoughts about God and His grace has brought me a lot of peace today. I hope it brings y’all that same peace. I promise that no matter what you’re struggling with at this moment, God is there. He won’t abandon you, ever. Just let Him love you, let Him carry you. That’s hard to do, but it’s so worth it. I hope and pray that if you are struggling today, you know how loved you are, and how important and necessary you are. Your hard, painful, stressful, anxiety-ridden days will pass, and you will have days filled with peace and contentment again. I’m praying that if you’re in the midst of a not-so-peaceful time, you will receive the grace to find that joy in your days, regardless of your circumstances. There is so much cause for us to be joyful, we just have to want to see it. And if we can’t see it in our own lives, we can certainly be the joy for someone else. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey friends! Thank you all so much for your sweet words and prayers on the news that we are matched with an expectant mom. As I’ve said before, this is such an exciting time, but it also comes with a lot of anxiety and stress, and your prayers, thoughts, and encouragement are so appreciated. We are two weeks into the countdown to sweet baby girl’s due date, and things definitely feel a lot more real now that we only have somewhere around 6 weeks to go.

I have been feeling even more stressed than normal these last couple of weeks since we found out we’d been chosen. Some of it is due to fear of the unknown, and some of it is just because this is a really crazy time in our lives. I’m so excited my heart could just burst and at the same time, I feel my heart breaking. I’ve prayed so long and so hard for children, and our child will likely come from the complete brokenness of someone else. It’s hard to comprehend, honestly. It’s difficult to understand how so much joy can come from so much grief.

Adoption absolutely comes from a place of hurt and brokenness and grief. In a lot of situations that grief is only found on the side of the biological family, in a mom and dad who love their baby beyond words, and want to give them so much more than they feel they are capable of giving them on their own. That’s really heartbreaking. That’s sacrificial love like most people can’t even imagine. In our situation, the brokenness in adoption is coming from all sides. Chris and I had to hit rock bottom on our journey to have biological children. We had to come to grips with the fact that I will most likely never give birth to our children. That’s really really hard. It’s still hard. We had to suffer through so much false hope every single month. We shed countless tears and prayed harder and more often than either of us ever did before.

That’s the reality of infertility. It’s just so hard, and the hurt never really goes away. Coming to the point where we were ready for adoption was not an easy decision. Sure, we always knew we were open to it, and we always hoped to be able to adopt one day, but getting to that road was a really long journey. And now that we’ve been chosen and matched, a whole other long journey is just beginning. The next steps of this process are going to be filled with a lot of unknowns, a lot of prayers, and a lot of love for an expectant mom and a baby we all have yet to meet. That baby belongs to her mother unless and until her mother signs those papers. And until then, that baby is not ours in any way, shape, or form. We love her with our whole hearts, and we love the momma who chose us, and we will pray for them both endlessly, but the reality of adoption is that there are no guarantees and things can change in an instant. Please don’t think that I’m not excited about things right now, because I absolutely am, but my excitement is definitely tinged with confusion, anxiety, and straight up fear.

I could go on and on about all the many feelings I’ve been having since we matched, and really since we started this process, but I don’t know if I’d even be able to explain them. They’re confusing, and all over the place, and I’m learning that that’s okay. I’m feeling them as they come, and then moving on. The really big, intense feelings tend to come in waves, which is good because at least I’m not feeling completely overwhelmed constantly. But there are times when I find my mind going to the worst case scenario for absolutely no reason, and I’m learning to shift my thoughts back to God in those moments. It’s helped me so much in remaining centered and focused on Him and His will, whatever that may be.

For someone like me who is a control freak and who likes things to happen according to a specific plan – my plan 🙂 – all these unknowable and uncontrollable things make this adventure extra scary and difficult. But I feel so much peace despite the fear and stress. We have been blessed to have contact with the expectant mom, and it’s been such a joy to get to know her a little more every time we talk. God brought us into each others lives for a reason, and no matter the outcome, His plans are always good, even if we can’t see the good until we get to Heaven.

I’m asking y’all to pray some extra special prayers for the mom who chose us. Please pray for her to know how much she is loved, and for her to know that she is strong enough to make whatever is the best decision for her baby. Please pray for peace for me and Chris, and the grace to accept anything and everything that comes our way in the next few weeks. We are doing our best to focus on the joy of the situation, because right now that’s all we can do. We are trusting that God brought us here for a reason and that no matter what our human fears and anxieties are, His divine plan is going to order it for good. Also, please say some prayers for all the other families out there longing for babies, be that through adoption or biologically. Y’all know that intention holds a special place in my heart, and those suffering families do too. Prayers are often the only thing that gets us through the really bad, hard days, so keep them coming! I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey hey! What a crazy, wild week this has been. But now the news is out! We are officially M A T C H E D!!!!! Everything went down last week, on Thursday, when I received a phone call from our consultant. I was trying to catch up on the readings from the Bible study I’m doing (semi doing these days – it’s been a little hectic) and my phone rang. When I saw our consultant’s name on that screen my heart rate instantly skyrocketed.

I knew that most families typically only receive calls from their consultant if the call is about a match. So I was freaking out but trying not to show it. And I wasn’t doing a very good job, either. Our consultant said, “So, how would you feel about having a baby in September?” and I lost it. I was shaking so badly I couldn’t write down the information she was giving me. When we hung up, I stood in our kitchen and started heaving crying. I could not believe what I’d just heard. All day long I kept looking at my phone to make sure I had actually received that phone call and hadn’t just imagined it.

Needless to say, last Thursday was a tremendously long day because I had to hold that secret in ALL DAY until Chris got home. It was not easy. I had car trouble and called Chris to let him know that I wasn’t sure if my car was even going to start again. He asked me where I was because we would potentially need to get my car towed. I told him not to worry about it, that I’d seen something that I thought he would like and I was going back to the store to get it…and he got aggravated because I cut him off and couldn’t just give him a straight answer. 🙂 I honestly didn’t mind that he was annoyed at how I was evading his questions because I knew he’d understand when I told him the news. In my defense, I couldn’t tell him, because I had gone to the florist and bought a bunch of pink and blue balloons to surprise him with when he came home. That had been my plan since we started the process. I knew the consultant would call me with the news that we were matched, and I had decided months ago that I was going to surprise Chris with balloons when he walked in the door. I couldn’t tell him I was at the florist shop because then he would suspect something. I was already dying to tell him the news when we were on the phone, but I stayed strong.

So back to all the hullabaloo that actually ended up helping me keep the news a secret. I had to call my dad to come help me, and I thought for sure he was going to be the first to hear the news that we’d matched. Because, after all, I had a car full of balloons. In baby colors. But he saw the balloons and didn’t say a word. He’s also very color blind, so that probably worked out in my favor too. Then I thought I’d have to tell my mom first because once we got my car started I drove to the dealership and they told me they’d probably end up having to keep the car overnight, and I called her to have her on standby while I waited to find out if I’d end up having to leave my car. Just in case I did have to leave my car, I had to get the balloons out. So I had to drag the balloons out of my car and into the dealership waiting room, while everyone stared at me. I’ve never realized how loud balloons are, either, but when you’re trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, they tend to slide up against each other a make an awful squeaking sound. I was very conspicuous. Thankfully, I ended up getting to drive away in my car that day, and I did not need to make my mom swear that she wouldn’t tell anyone our news. The secret was still safe!

When I finally made it back home, it was only 1:30 in the afternoon, and I still had several hours to wait before Chris came home. It was the longest day I’ve had in a really long time. I couldn’t get anything done because my head was spinning and I couldn’t focus on one task for long enough to complete it. I couldn’t really tell you what all I did for the rest of that afternoon, but I can tell you that it crawled by. I did accomplish one fun thing though: I made our dog, Zoe, a little sign to wear for when Chris came home. She always runs to wait for him by the door, and I knew he’d see it first thing when he walked in. We always say that Zoe is the baby, and joke that she’s going to be the big sister when we have kids, so the sign said, “Big Sister: September 2019.” That little dog hated me for it but she looked really cute. 🙂

When Chris finally came home that night, it was one of the most exciting moments we’ve had. He couldn’t believe it, and the only reason I wasn’t still shaking myself was because I’d had several hours to process the news. Neither one of us expected to match as quickly as we did. We’d hoped that we would, but we didn’t really believe that it would happen. I was completely shocked. Remember those two expectant moms I asked y’all to pray for last week? We matched with one of them. In fact, we were already matched when I wrote last week’s post, but I couldn’t tell y’all yet. 🙂 We had honestly said yes to presenting and then just moved on. Neither one of us expected that one of those mommas would see our profile, love us, and not want to see anyone else.

There are so many special things about this situation, and the momma who chose us. So many things that point to God being in total control. We know all too well that plans can change, and while that’s scary, right now we also know that we are chosen. This mom chose us to love her baby. She chose us to parent the child she is carrying, and that honor is so humbling and overwhelming, and I’m brought to tears multiple times a day just thinking about it. No matter what happens in the next two months, right now, in this moment, we are matched and hopefully, excitedly, and prayerfully waiting to meet that beautiful baby girl in September. I can’t describe to y’all very well the emotions I’ve been feeling these last few days. Maybe next week I’ll try. Right now, the joy and excitement is all I want to focus on.

Please, please keep the expectant mom in your prayers. I still can’t believe she chose us. Speaking with her was one of the most surreal moments I’ve ever experienced. Sharing a love of a baby that neither one of us has met yet is incredible to me. That momma has become so important and special to us in such a short time. Please pray that everything works out in the best interest of the baby. She is the most important person in this story, and her biological momma and Chris and I absolutely love her and want what’s best for her. I can’t tell y’all how much your prayers mean to me. I know I tell you that every week, but I really do appreciate them. To know how many people are praying for us, for the mom who chose us, and for her baby, truly blows me away. I’m overwhelmed by the love we feel from y’all. I can’t wait to continue to share what I can with all of you as we continue on in this adventure. Keep those prayers coming! I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey friends! I hope y’all had a lovely week. We definitely did. It’s been an exciting week for sure! If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know that Chris and I were invited to contribute to a series of stories for NFP Awareness Week, which is from July 21-27. The series is entitled Life Abundantly: Real NFP Stories. We joined a lineup of amazing couples, and a priest, to share our stories of Natural Family Planning at different stages of married/engaged life. Our story is of course about NFP and infertility.

These articles will all be going out next week, starting on Sunday. You can keep up with the schedule by following Emily, the mastermind behind this fun project, on her blog, Total W(h)ine. Y’all should really follow her even if you aren’t going to read along for the NFP series (but you should follow those stories too!) because she’s just really great. Anyway, we’ve been excitedly preparing for this series to go live, and I’m so excited for y’all to read our story! Our contribution to the series will be out on Wednesday, July 24.

Some of the story I’ve shared here already, but a lot of it will be new to everyone. We have a two part story, because we both had so much to say that it just needed to be split in two. I was beyond excited and honored that Emily invited me to be part of this incredible project, and I was even more thrilled when Chris agreed to contribute too. His portion of the article is absolutely beautiful, and I know it will touch so many hearts. The wannabe writer in me felt so fulfilled doing this project, and I would love to do more projects like that in the future, if I ever have the opportunity.

I’m also happy to say that we’ve been seeing more cases lately, and are currently presenting to two expectant mommas. Like always, I’m doing my best to hand it over to God and let Him guide us in the direction we need to go. It’s still not easy and still does not come naturally to me to let go and trust. But I’m trying. And even in the midst of the emotional roller coaster of saying yes to new cases and receiving rejections, these last couple of weeks I have really found it beneficial that when we say yes, we just move on. I can honestly tell you that I’ve gotten to the point where I absolutely have no expectations beyond God’s will being done. Which is good! It’s progress in the way of me learning not to have to control everything, and learning that when things don’t go as I planned, it’s really not the end of the world, and I will most likely be just fine.

My trust in God’s plan has increased too. I can’t promise you that the next time God pulls the rug out from under me that I will still be able to joyfully trust His plan, but I can promise you that I’ll do the best I can. For now, I’m just happy that I’m trusting just a little bit more, and that I can feel it in my heart. It’s not just something I tell myself to get me through the difficult days: I can feel my heart being more trusting because everyday He’s helping me to see that I will never go wrong if I trust Him. Even when it’s hard and painful, God has our best interests in mind, and He will never let any of us down.

So yeah, life has been pretty nice lately. We’re holding out hope that neither one of us gets sick again because I really want to be able to enjoy this weekend. The last three have been pretty rough, what with the viruses we both caught and Tropical Storm Barry last week. I’m ready for a weekend of relaxation, and hopefully lots of reading, because it’s my favorite. And I bought a new book last week, which I’m having trouble putting down. So if anyone needs me, you know where to find me: just go wherever the books are. 🙂

I wish I could tell y’all more about our adoption, but I promise that I’ll share news when I can. In the meantime, please keep praying for the expectant moms who were receiving our profile books this week. Pray for strength and courage to do what is best for their babies, and for the comfort to know that they are making the right decisions, whatever those decisions may be. And don’t forget to look for the NFP series starting this Sunday! You do not want to miss out! I’ll be sharing info on the series throughout the upcoming week, so be on the lookout. I promise y’all that these stories are going to be awesome and inspiring, and definitely worth the read. Please keep praying for us! I’m praying for y’all! ❤