Hey everyone! I hope y’all had a lovely week. We’ve been super busy over here, as I’m sure y’all could guess, because adoption stuff has been constantly rolling in for us to take care of. We’d finish one stack of forms, only to be greeted with another, much larger stack. But this week is a pretty big deal because…*drum roll*… we have completed all the paperwork we needed to do before we can become active in our consulting agency!!!!!!!

We do still have our profile book to complete, but just knowing that we will be able to actually breathe this weekend, and we will be able to take a day to do whatever we want, is so freeing. Our book has been started already, but it’ll probably be another 3-4 weeks until it’s ready. And that’s okay. But I’m getting ahead of myself a little bit. I should fill y’all in on what helped us get our last bit of paperwork handled so quickly.

Last Friday we drove to Beaumont to have our fingerprints done in order to complete our Texas clearances. When we had state and federal clearances taken care of we got extra copies of our fingerprint cards, but that wasn’t going to fly for the Texas clearances. We had to either do them digitally again through a specific company, or have them done in ink and risk not getting clear prints and having to restart the whole process, which would’ve pushed us back a month or more. So, we took a little ride to Texas. Honestly it wasn’t bad at all. We left early, got there early, got to do everything ahead of our scheduled appointment because the folks handling everything were super nice, and made it back home before 1 in the afternoon. It was a busy day, but it was time well spent. Mostly because in going to Texas we helped speed up the process a little bit. Rather than having to wait 30 days for our clearances to be taken care of, it’s already been done. We found out on Tuesday that neither one of us has a criminal record in Texas. Good to know, Texas, thanks for filling us in. 🙂

Also, we are home study approved! It’s very exciting. And it will be more exciting when we get the home study report in the mail. It feels so good to know that it’s done. I just feel so proud. It’s not something I thought I would feel, but I do feel proud. Proud because we worked our butts off to get all this stuff done in a reasonable amount of time. Proud of us because this is really emotionally difficult, and we never once took the stress out on each other. Instead, we’ve been growing closer. We have to, really. Otherwise we’d be snapping at each other all day long. But that’s not the case. We’ve been cracking jokes about the paperwork, doing our best to remind ourselves why we’re doing this, and generally just keeping our heads above water, together.

It’s definitely not easy, y’all. But I know it will be so worth it. Yesterday we finished filling out our questionnaire for the people making our profile book. We decided to have it made for us for two reasons: one, because they know what they’re doing and they know what works and that’s a benefit to us, and two, because it meant we could take a minute to catch our breath. And there’s a lot to be said for that. Anyway, we had to fill out this whole list of things describing each other, describing our marriage (are y’all sensing a pattern here? I’m pretty sure we’ve answered the same questions about 20 times now) and talking about our family and our community. I just have to tell y’all that Chris’s answers to the questions about me were spot on, like how I generally keep the volume on the radio turned up when I turn the car off. And every time Chris gets in my car, the music is blasting as soon as he turns the key. Drives him crazy. 🙂 And some of his answers made me cry. But in a good way. He just knows me so well. So basically, I think our profile book is going to be great. I mean, I really hope it’s great.

In addition to the questionnaire we had to write an opening letter to the expectant mom/parents looking at our book, and also a closing letter, with basically our promises to them. Y’all. It was so easy and yet so hard. It was easy because I’ve been thinking about what I would write in those letters for a long time now. But it was hard because I kept thinking about how somewhere, maybe right this minute, there’s an expectant mother who is wrestling with the decision to keep her baby, or to place that baby with another family, and that family could be ours. And the thought of a mother not being able to care for her child is so hard to handle. It makes me so sad. Even though I know that adoption will be blessing our family with a child, it also means that another family leaves the hospital with one less member.

I’m constantly swinging between being crazy excited for me and Chris, and being so sad for our future child’s first family. It’s a weird place to be, and I have a feeling my mixed emotions won’t be changing any time soon. Or ever, actually. I’ll always feel sad for our child’s first momma. A woman we’ve never met yet will be entrusting us to parent her child. To love and care for her child. She’ll barely know us, but she’ll be leaving her child with us FOREVER. I can’t imagine what that weight must be like on her shoulders.

Wow, this was supposed to be an exciting post and here I am talking about the hard parts of adoption. But those things need to be shared right along with all the exciting parts, like finishing paperwork and being so close to going active that I can taste it! Just a few more weeks, God willing. So many people have been cheering us on and praying for us on this journey. And so many good friends and lovely family members have stepped in to help every time we’ve asked, which has definitely helped us in getting everything handled so quickly. Y’all are such a blessing to us. We are so excited to welcome a baby into our home and for them to grow up surrounded by such a giving, loving, faithful family and community. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness of people. I’m overwhelmed by God’s goodness even on the days when it feels like we’re not getting anywhere, we’re drowning in forms and applications to fill out, and the anxieties are mounting. I’m overwhelmed by how much love has been shown by y’all for a child that we haven’t even met yet. It’s pretty incredible. Y’all are pretty incredible.

Keep all the incredible-ness and prayers coming our way, friends. We still have lots of emotional, difficult days before we will be able to welcome a baby, but I know that we’ll get through it just fine with y’all praying for us. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey y’all!  I hope you all had a wonderful Easter Sunday; I certainly did!  We spent the day with family, and it was so fun to all be together and enjoy each other’s company.

I love that this year Easter Sunday was also the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week.  It just seems so perfect because on the same day as that week started, we also got to celebrate the resurrection of the One who makes all things new, the One who creates new life where the circumstances seem hopeless.  And that’s why I’m not going to spend all my time today talking about all the negatives of infertility.  What I really want to share with y’all is how infertility has brought me closer to the most beautiful and important things in my life:  my husband, and my Catholic Faith.  I know that in the past I’ve written posts  about our infertility journey, but the joy found in the midst of that journey of suffering definitely bears repeating.

When I miscarried, Chris and I were really forced to live out our marriage vows, and to practice “in sickness and in health” a lot earlier on in our marriage than we ever expected to.  I hate that our baby died.  I think about her every single day.  But you want to know something?  Chris and I are closer now than we were before I got pregnant.  We’re stronger now as a couple than we were before I miscarried.  I didn’t think it was possible that we would ever feel like ourselves again after we lost Madeleine, but little by little, we became, not exactly like we were before, but newer, older, wiser versions of ourselves.

While it did take a long time for me to embrace God again after I miscarried, I finally came around, despite the fact that I probably did it kicking and screaming the whole time.  I never turned my back on Him, I just honestly believed that He didn’t care what happened to us, so I stopped trying to reach out to Him.  It makes me so sad now to recall how much that reaction must’ve hurt Our Lord.  But He continued to love me.  He continued to reach out for me, and He never stopped wanting me to lean on Him again.  I learned, through infertility and miscarriage, just how important it is that your trust is in the right things.  We can talk about science and the genius of men till we’re blue in the face, but y’all, none of that matters without God.  None of the medical intervention and scientific facts in the universe matter if you don’t have God.  Because no matter what science says, God has the last word.  And no matter how brilliant doctors are, they still mess up and they still give you incorrect answers sometimes.  God doesn’t.  So I had to learn (very slowly, because – surprise, surprise – I’m stubborn) that there is ALWAYS hope.  There is always something to be joyful about.  But until I placed my trust in God again, and really started to believe in my Faith again, I was in a really dark place.  Thank goodness God can make even the darkest of places beautiful and bright when we just trust Him and let Him do His thing.

I’ve been very open with y’all about the fact that Chris and I have struggled with infertility for years now.  But it was so hard to finally be open about it.  There’s so much vulnerability that comes with putting yourself out there.  Infertility is one of those things that, for whatever reason, there’s a stigma surrounding.  Maybe it’s because people are supposed to be able to have babies.  It’s how we were created, it’s in our DNA.  When there are people who can’t have babies like everyone else, it makes everyone else a little uncomfortable.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Infertility just needs to be talked about, and I don’t just mean on social media.  Lots of people talk about infertility on Facebook and Instagram and all the other social media sites that I’m sure exist but I don’t know about because I’m too much of an old person to care.  But until we’re able to discuss it with our family members and our friends, those people we personally know who desperately want children but can’t have them, not a whole lot of good is going to be done.  It can be a delicate topic, I know, but that shouldn’t stop us from discussing it.  It’s much better to be able to get those emotions and thoughts out in the open than it is to bottle them all up inside.

When you find out that having biological children is going to be pretty much impossible, you really do feel broken.  Not just broken in spirit, either; you feel like your body is physically broken, like it has let you down.  And you feel very alone.  But talking about infertility, and saying those things out loud, makes it so much easier to bear because you’re not walking around all day with all that baggage dragging behind you.  I’ve gotten so much peace simply by sitting here typing out my feelings for y’all to read.  I had no idea when I started this blog that I was going to feel so refreshed and light by just sharing my feelings and my thoughts.

So yes, infertility is a terrible cross to bear.  It’s so, so heavy.  But the joy that I’ve found while carrying that cross is not something I ever thought I would find.  I would give anything and everything in the world to hold Madeleine in my arms.  But at the same time, I can feel her praying for us.  I can feel her interceding for us before the throne of God.  Our child is experiencing the splendor of Heaven, and she’s enjoying the beauty and the supreme goodness that we can only imagine on this earth.  I am so sad she’s not here with us, but at the same time, knowing she’s a little saint in Heaven makes my heart want to burst with joy.

Not being able to get pregnant again still stings.  It will never stop hurting, I know that.  But I am thankful beyond words for the beautiful gift of adoption.  I can’t even describe to y’all how joyful Chris and I are that we will one day be able to love and raise Madeleine’s little brother or sister, after all these years of heartache and loss.  God’s mercies are truly astounding.

Friends, if you know someone who is walking through infertility, please let them know that they are not alone.  Please let them know that they don’t have to put on a brave face and a fake smile for you.  Let them know that you see them, and you are there for them in whatever capacity they may need.  And if you are struggling with infertility, I know what you’re going through.  I understand how it feels to be told that you may never have biological children.  I understand the crippling grief of losing the child you prayed for on countless nights.  And I know that there is joy in this life for you.  There is beauty and purpose and a plan in this life for you.  God hasn’t abandoned you, and He never will.  There is hope.  I promise.  I’m praying for you!  ❤

 

Hey there friends!  I feel like it’s been so long since I was able to sit down and write a post but it’s only been two weeks.  Thankfully, these past two weeks have been filled with lots of good news and progress on the adoption front.  However, they have also been filled with a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, and a lot of doubt and worry.  But honestly, the past two months since we decided to get started with the adoption process have been stressful.  I mean, Chris and I have basically been in a state of stress for 60 days.  No joke.  It’s intense.

I’ll start with the good stuff first.  We got our home visits done and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be!  Actually, it wasn’t bad at all.  Our social worker is amazing, y’all.  From the second she walked into the house I felt like she knew us.  She kind of did, just because she took the time to really absorb all the biographical information we gave her, but she is also extremely good at her job.  She made three hours fly by.  And even though spilling your guts to a total stranger in your own home who is there to judge whether you will be good parents is totally uncomfortable, she made it feel easier than I imagined it would be.  We have one office visit to take care of, which is happening today, and then we just have to wait to receive the full report and approval.

The other good news is that after a week and a half of anxious waiting on our part, our adoption consulting agency approved and accepted our application!  We officially signed on with them last week, and received all the information from them earlier this week.  Which is where the stress sets in.  If you are ever in the adoption process and you hear someone say that the home study is the hardest part, just walk away, because they’re lying to you.  Seriously though, I thought the home study would be the most time consuming, paperwork- filled part of this process but I was definitely wrong.  We have more clearances to get, more physicals to do, and three applications to fill out for placing agencies our consulting agency has partnerships with.  We also have more references to get, and our profile book to make, and it’s all just a lot to handle.  The consultants we are using highly recommend having someone make the profile book professionally, and quite honestly, the simple fact that Chris and I would not have to worry about doing it ourselves makes that option super appealing.  🙂

I do have to say that even in this midst of the stress of adoption, I feel at peace with our decision to go with a consulting agency, because it was a decision we made after a lot of research and conversations and prayer.  And I can feel my stress levels decrease every time we talk with them because they really know their stuff, and I know that we will be set up to adopt in any state that we may end up matching in.  And the people we are working with truly love what they do, which makes us feel like we’re being well taken care of during this trying time.

It has not been easy, and we are just getting started.  The unknowns are completely terrifying to me.  Because y’all know I’m a control freak.  And it’s not even just the unknowns that are difficult to handle.  It’s the fact that we have to jump through 1545133 hoops to be able to bring a child into our home.  I’ve told y’all before that I understand and appreciate why there are so many steps to take and hoops to jump through.  Those babies need to be placed in loving homes where they will be able to thrive and grow up knowing how much they are loved.  I totally understand that people seeking to adopt need to be healthy and financially stable and loving, kind people.  But knowing and understanding those things doesn’t really make it easier when you are in the midst of it all and drowning in paperwork and having your life completely picked apart by total strangers.

This past week I’ve been working really hard to control the stress.  I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of it, but it does help to remind myself that this is the path that God has always meant for us to take.  He planned this from the beginning of time, and He has equipped us with everything we need to get to the end of this road.  At least, I hope He equipped us.  It’s hard, friends.  Like, really hard.  But this too shall pass.  I keep thinking about Christ on the cross, especially since today is Good Friday.  It brings me a lot of comfort to remember His plea in the garden, for God to take the cup of suffering away if it was His Will.  Even Jesus, in His humanity, begged for His suffering to end!  But even though He knew He would suffer to the death, He carried that cross anyway.  He bore the ultimate suffering for us, because He knew that the good that would come from it far outweighed the suffering He endured.

I know that this time of hardship and struggle and stress will end.  And when it does, we will be holding our baby.  Is it still hard?  Yep.  Do I still wish it was over already?  You betcha.  But if this is the journey Chris and I have to take to meet our children, so be it.  And more importantly, I  believe this is part of how we will get to Heaven.  So if that’s what it takes, bring it on.  We can do this.  Trusting God’s plan can be so hard.  We do have the free will to make decisions for ourselves and choose to be holy or to walk the easier path and do whatever we want, but ultimately, it’s actually easier to trust God.  We can choose to be joyful, and to remind ourselves that His plans are always good, or to be bitter and angry and gripe about our circumstances.

I know I still complain and whine and get angry when I feel like what God wants me to do doesn’t line up with what I want to do.  And that’s okay, as long as I end up following His plan.  Because it is better than mine.  I don’t understand it, but I know it’s better.  I don’t understand why Chris and I can’t have more biological children, or why our path has been strewn with difficulties.  But I do know that even with all those hard days, we have been abundantly blessed.  We have drawn closer to each other during those difficulties and losses we’ve experienced, and we are so confident that God will continue to lead us where He wants us to go, whether we enjoy the ride or not.  🙂  Ultimately, Heaven waits for us, and that’s worth the struggles on Earth.

 

Friends, I hope y’all have a beautiful, joyful, and holy Easter.  I am really looking forward to spending the day not worrying about anything, and enjoying my time with family.  Please say a prayer for us as we complete our home study requirements today, and also for the rest of this process to go smoothly and for it to be as stress free as possible.  And please know that I am definitely praying for y’all!  ❤

 

Hey friends!  I hope you all had the best week, and I’m so glad you’re spending a little time hanging out here today!

This week we did something that felt so significant in the process of welcoming a baby into our lives:  we put up the crib!  We got it from Chris’s sister and it’s perfect, down to the little teeth marks on the bar, left there by my sweetest nephew.  On Sunday we even bought some sheets to go on it.  They have safari animals on them and I’m obsessed.  For years now I’ve wanted a safari animal theme for the baby’s room.  I love giraffes, so naturally I need to have them somewhere in our child’s room.  And having giraffes just morphed into having all kinds of safari animals, and it’s going to be the cutest little nursery you ever saw when it’s done!

It felt so strange to be purchasing things for a baby!  When we found out I was pregnant with Madeleine, we immediately went out and bought baby clothes.  We knew we should wait, but we just couldn’t.  And with this whole adoption process, it feels so sweet to know that Madeleine will have a little brother or sister to wear the outfits she never got to wear.  But I find myself hesitant to make purchases for a new baby.  I almost feel guilty about it.  As though I shouldn’t be excited or hopeful.

I know that’s not true, and I definitely didn’t expect to feel this way.  On one hand I want to buy all the baby things, so that when we do finally bring our baby home, we’re totally prepared.  Y’all already know I like to be prepared.  And considering the fact that we will be adopting outside of Louisiana, it’s going to be a couple weeks after the baby is born before we come home, thanks to ICPC and all that good stuff.  So I know we’ll feel so much more comfortable knowing that everything is already at the house waiting for us.  But on the other hand, I feel like it’s almost not even real that we’re actually going to have a baby in the house.  It feels like we’re pretending, even though all that home study paperwork was DEFINITELY real.

There’s a lot of conflicting feelings I’m already experiencing, and we haven’t even completed the home study yet.  I know that God will bring us to the baby He always meant for us to have.  That has been my prayer for months now:  that He will send us the baby He wants in our family, in whatever way He wants that baby to come to us, either biologically or through adoption.  But just the other day I came across an Instagram post that really put words to what I already started to feel but couldn’t express.  It was something to the effect that saying that the baby we will welcome through adoption was always meant for our family means that somehow, our future child’s biological family was never meant to raise them.  And that’s just confusing, and hard to wrap my head around.  But in a perfect world, adoption wouldn’t exist.  Because in a perfect world every mother would be able to care for her children, and there would never be a thought to placing them with another family.  When I think about it that way, adoption is really heartbreaking to me.  But without adoption, a vast number of families like ours would never experience the joy of raising babies.  And in that, adoption is the most joyful thing I can think of right now.  See, told y’all it’s confusing!

The adoption process and the intricacies and emotions involved in it remind me of what we say in The Exsultet at the Easter Vigil Mass each year:  “O happy fault that earned so great, so glorious a Redeemer!” I mean, wow.  The “necessary sin of Adam” is what caused us to now have Jesus.  Without that first sin of pride we’d have never been given the gift of the Eucharist!  There’d have been no need for Christ to come to Earth to open Heaven for us.  God’s so good, y’all.  So good that He took heinous sins and fallen humans, and gave us redemption and an opportunity to gain Heaven again.  And we will be able to have a baby in our family because once again God took what was broken and is making it beautiful for us.  How incredible is that?!

Speaking of cool things, we’re less than a week out from our visits for our home study!  Because our social worker will be at the house next week, I will not be able to get a blog post up.  Let’s be real:  I’m going to be cleaning the house like a crazy person all week long.  I know it’s not going to be a white glove test (thank goodness, because we would fail!) but I can’t stand to have anyone over to our house and it not be clean.  So having someone literally coming to inspect our home is going to require a full-blown Spring cleaning, and therefore will not allow time for new blog posts.

BUT, I will keep y’all updated on the outcome of those home visits when I post again in a couple of weeks.  We would really appreciate some prayers that all goes well during our visits.  We actually spoke to our social worker a couple of days ago, and she said that we did an amazing job on all the paperwork.  Which is a very good sign!  And I felt like a kid in school who got a gold star.  🙂  So everything is moving right along, just as it should be, and we are inching our way closer to home study approval!  Also, we are still waiting to hear back from the consulting agency we plan to use.  It’s been a week since we turned in our application, and it takes fourteen days for them to get back to prospective clients.  But my overactive imagination is creating all kinds of reasons why we could be the first couple they reject, and it has not been fun people!  In all seriousness though, I think we’ll be fine, but I would appreciate some prayers for peace during this first (and definitely not last!) interval of waiting in this process.  God’s just preparing me for having to wait a lot more later on.  🙂  Keep those prayers coming friends; we always need them.  I’m praying for y’all!  ❤

 

 

 

Hey y’all! So, this week has been filled with adoption stuff, as has been the norm for us over the last month or so. But this week, we completed the documentation portion of our home study! And that’s a pretty huge deal because there was A LOT of paperwork to fill out.

Chris and I both had to fill out forms about ourselves and our families and our marriage and each other. Like, we had to describe each other. It was actually harder than it seems like it would be. But along with that we had to let our social worker know all about our finances and our health and our backgrounds as far back as our childhood and that’s just a little invasive. But, like I said last week, that’s how it’s got to be, and I understand why.

Anywho, we finished EVERYTHING for that this week! I got our medical forms filled out and approved this week, and everything is all set for our home visits to take place in two weeks! Two weeks y’all! We are very excited for that. I mean, we’re nervous, and we’re not excited in a “yay, this is going to be so much fun!” kind of way, but we are excited because once those visits are taken care of, we will be one step closer to becoming an active waiting family with our consulting agency. And that, my friends, is something worth being excited about.

Speaking of our consulting agency, we sent in our application this week! It will probably be a couple of weeks before they can finish processing it and all that good stuff, but I have an excellent feeling about it. I feel so peaceful about our decision to go with this consulting agency. They’re good people over there. They love Jesus and they love the families and babies they connect, and it’s so obvious that they are passionate about adoption. And so are we, so it all works out. 🙂

I just have to tell y’all that finally being in this beautiful process still feels unreal sometimes. We waited so long for this. We knew it was right for us but it was so scary to say, “Okay, let’s do it.” There’s just so much that is out of our control. But it’s crazy to me that just a few short months ago I literally felt like we were never going to have a family. I honestly started to believe that we would never be parents to a child on Earth. And that was really heartbreaking and devastating to me. I did my best to be okay with the waiting. I reminded myself that once we started the process there would be a lot more waiting, so I should just get used to it. And I knew that when it was the right time, we would both know, and both be ready. But again, not having control really makes me crazy. So I tried to pray, and I tried to wait patiently. I knew in my heart that if we were not both ready, there was a reason for it. I didn’t understand that reason, but I had to learn to trust that God has plans I obviously know nothing about. There were plenty of tears during that time when it felt like Chris and I were on different pages of the story. But where I go in with emotions high, he is calm and levelheaded. Which is why we waited. Because we needed to. And now look: we’re practically pros in the adoption stuff. Ha ha.

We’re not even close to being pros in all this. We have been learning so much though. There are so many moving parts and so much stuff that has to be taken care of before you can even be approved to adopt. And I’m actually thankful for this time before we’re an active, waiting family, because it’s giving me time to process the fact that there is a woman out there who will carry her baby for nine months and then place that baby in my arms. And that’s such a huge responsibility. The baby she grew inside of her will grow up calling me “Momma.” It’s overwhelming and it’s terrifying and I can’t wait for that day. But at the same time, I’m already sad for our future child’s first family. They will leave the hospital with empty arms, and ours will be more full than they’ve ever been.

I will definitely keep y’all updated on the acceptance of our application for our consulting agency. Please pray that all goes well in regards to that, and that we can get this show on the road! And please know that y’all are in my prayers. I’m thankful for your support and encouragement, and that y’all continue to come back week after week to read this little blog of mine. I so appreciate it. You know, since I’ve got y’all in a praying mood, send up some prayers for our future baby’s first family, whoever they are. We don’t know them yet, but one day soon they’ll be hurting and faced with a hard and painful decision, and they’ll need lots of prayers. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey there friends! Thanks for stopping by! Things have been a little hectic around here with all our plans for adoption needing lots of attention and navigating. But we’ve been doing lots of praying and I know we have so many people who are praying for our future family, and it just warms my heart to feel y’all’s love and support.

We had a couple of decision to make before we could really get started with the whole process, and I was seriously stressed out about them. And when I say stressed, I mean I was on edge, I was waking up multiple times during the night, and I had this constant tension in my neck and terrible headaches. I almost never experience headaches, and I had one for nearly a week straight. But y’all were praying for us, and God listened.

I was reaching out to a few different consulting agencies and social workers, and we had so much information it almost felt like too much. Which is false, obviously, because I don’t think you can ever be too prepared for any step in the adoption process. Be that as it may, it felt overwhelming to have so many avenues we could take. Then one day, about two weeks ago, I received an email from one of the consultants we were considering. I honestly didn’t expect much from them, simply because nobody else had given us clear, thought-out answers to any of our questions.

The great thing about these particular consultants is that they’ve been in business for a long time. So they know what’s up in the adoption world. When I opened that email, it took me nearly a half hour to read all the information I was sent. I had over twenty questions in that email, and this gracious, patient, kind lady from the agency answered EVERY SINGLE ONE in detail. I’m talking paragraph upon paragraph for pretty much every question I sent her.

When I saw all the information, rather than feeling that overwhelming feeling I’d been experiencing, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I called Chris, who was working late that night, and on his way home, and basically told him that we needed to seriously consider these people to help us with our adoption. And when he read the information, he agreed with me completely. For about a week we continued to ask questions and research on our own. I called people who used the company we’re considering and they gave glowing reviews.

And one of the best parts about this place is that we’ll be allowed to use the social worker that we love for our home study! A friend of mine used the same lady when they adopted and she told me that Chris and I at least needed to talk to her. We spoke to her several times, and instantly felt so at ease about the home study process, and the adoption in general. We’ve been filling out forms like crazy, and finally finished up the biggest ones last weekend. I was a lot more nervous about the home study before we spoke with this social worker. I had been doing research for months about everything we would have to do, and, like everything else in this process, it was overwhelming and it was exhaustive. But I’m starting to sense that perhaps the home study is not the biggest, nor the scariest part, of this process. Sure, it’s invasive. And it’s definitely a little humbling to have someone come into our home and determine whether or not they feel that we will be fit parents. But I get it. I understand why it’s done. And I’m not concerned about it anymore, thanks to the wonderful social worker we found.

One of the forms we had to fill out for the home study included a section where we had to list our strengths and weaknesses. And it felt so weird! I mean, I know what my strengths are, but it feels strange to have to write them down, like I was bragging or something. However, it got me thinking: why should I have trouble telling someone what I’m good at? Why should I feel bothered telling someone about the talents and good personality traits God blessed me with? Shouldn’t I be happy to tell and show people the gifts God’s given me? And I decided that yes, I should be happy to do that. I so often find myself putting myself down. I list all these negative things I feel about myself, or I pick apart my body or my personality or my talents, and find all the things I would change. I had a much easier time listing my weaknesses on that form than I did listing my strengths. And isn’t that just sad? I mean, we should definitely be aware of our weaknesses and areas in our lives that need work. But we should also be happy to share the good stuff too! It’s not prideful to shine your light, people. It’s what we’re called to do.

See, adoption is teaching me important stuff already. 🙂 I just want my future children to be joyful and thrilled to share their gifts with the world. And how can they do that if they feel weird about it? God wants us to use our gifts to spread His love and His Word throughout the world. We should never be bashful about that. I am, but I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be shy about writing out that I’m competitive (that’s a strength and a weakness, if I’m being honest!) and a peacemaker and great at showing compassion and kindness to others, and I want people to feel loved no matter what.

Friends, y’all have these amazing talents and gifts and strengths that God’s given you. Use them!

Okay, I got a tiny bit distracted there. But all of that does pertain to adoption insomuch as it involves the future of our children. Because that’s exactly how I feel about raising children: we need to teach them to love themselves, but to love God and other people more, and in doing that, they will let their glorious lights shine. And besides, this is my blog; I can get distracted and go off on tangents if I want to. 🙂

All of that aside, Chris and I really can feel all the prayers being said for us. So thank you for your prayers, friends. Thank you for the encouragement and the thoughts and the support thus far. I know we’ve just gotten started, but God’s hand is carrying us in this, and He’s using y’all to make that evident. We are so excited about the next steps we will be taking, and we are definitely itching to get going with them! We’re still a little scared too though, so keep those prayers coming. I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Hey everyone!  How is your Lent going so far?  Are you feeling holier yet?  I actually am!  At least, I’m feeling less unholy, if that makes any sense at all.  I’m not going to lie to y’all, since the loss of Madeleine, Lent has been terrible for me.  Like, it’s really not good at all.  But it hasn’t just been the once a year Lenten season that’s been difficult, it’s been my entire spiritual life. 

After I miscarried, I was convinced God had just abandoned us.  He felt so far away,  I just knew He wasn’t paying us even a little bit of attention.  I stopped praying all together.  I went to Mass because I had to, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at the altar.  And looking at the crucifix was basically impossible for me.  It took every bit of effort I had to just drag myself to Mass on Sundays.  You could forget about any “extra” prayers.  In my defense I did still say my blessing before meals, so there is that.

Not only did I have an extremely dry spiritual life, I began exercising and pushing myself to the extreme.  I would workout first thing in the morning, and then I would go out and run.  I would literally go until I physically couldn’t push myself anymore.  It felt like my body had failed me when I miscarried, and there was no other way I could think of to handle that.  I would push myself until the physical pain and exhaustion masked the emotional pain I was feeling.  And this went on for months.  I didn’t even realize how abusive that was.  I told myself it was to lose weight, because having dealt with body image issues my whole life and never being happy with the way I looked, it made the unhealthiness of it seem perfectly acceptable in my mind.  But it was actually harmful, both physically and mentally. 

After a few months of this, even though I was still physically pushing myself to the extreme, I did start trying to pray the rosary during my runs.  Sometimes I was able to get through it, sometimes I wasn’t.  The majority of my “prayers” were just me screaming out to God, begging to know why He would let something so terrible happen to our family.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  It felt as though He was playing a terrible joke on us.  I really did feel like He was sitting up on His throne in Heaven, laughing at our pain. 

I realize this image of God I had for a while is absolutely nothing like how He really feels about us.  But y’all, sometimes knowing something doesn’t do any good when you’re in so much darkness.  As luck would have it, the Lenten season in 2017 began just after I miscarried.  And y’all know that year I said I wasn’t giving up a dang thing because hadn’t enough been taken from us already?  I literally shut God out.  That year I gained NOTHING from Lent.  I didn’t grow closer to God because I felt like He pushed me away, so I decided to just push back. And instead of immediately allowing my heart to turn to the one thing that could help me get through the trauma, I closed my heart.  It hurt so much, I was scared that if I trusted God to help me, He would just turn around and let me get hurt again.

This cycle of a non-existent faith life and physically pushing myself too hard went on for a good 6-7 months.  It went on until the day after Madeleine’s due date.  She was due on September 11, 2017.  That day came and went, and I was surprised at how well I made it through.  But the day after was horrible.  I guess it was just because I knew that we should’ve been holding our baby by then.  And that knowledge really gave me my first ever panic attack.  I had no idea I would feel the way I did.  I truly thought that her due date would be the hardest day since the miscarriage, but my goodness was I wrong. 

Thankfully, Chris and I have an incredible support system.  I was never more than a text or phone call away from dear friends and family who listened to me cry, who cried with me, and who gave me constant encouragement that one day I would be able to stop crying.  One day, I would be able to pray again without feeling afraid that God was going to allow me to get hurt.  It took a long time, but finally I realized that God never wants us to suffer.  We were never intended to suffer at all.  We were always meant to enjoy paradise forever. 

But, thanks to Adam and Eve and that stupid fruit, here we are, born with original sin, and prone to making lots of mistakes and, unfortunately, we often have to go through sufferings.  But thank goodness God never turns His back on us.  God never once stopped loving me and Chris when we experienced the hardest year of our married life.  He never abandoned us.  We were just so angry and hurt and in such darkness, we couldn’t see Him.  I’m here to tell y’all that God is absolutely close by in your darkest moments.  He wants us to turn to Him in our time of suffering, and He will wait for us to do that, for as long as it takes. 

God is a loving Father who wants nothing more for us than that we spend eternity in His glory.  We have to go through trials to gain Heaven.  It’s just the way it is.  Some of those trials are more awful and traumatic than others, but the outcome can be the same.  We have the option to allow our sufferings to lead us closer to God, or to make us turn our backs on Him in anger.  I can tell y’all from personal experience that the turning your back option isn’t the best choice.  Let God love you!  Let Him hold you and carry you through your difficult days.  It’s so much easier that way. 

Speaking of letting God carry us, I feel like a lot of the reason we don’t let Him in (or, the reason I don’t, anyway) is pride.  We feel like we should be able to handle everything all on our own.  And asking for help, even help from God, is a sign of weakness.  We get so caught up in thinking that we are responsible for everything in our lives, that we forget that God probably helped us a little bit along the way.  If we would just sit back and let Him have control, can y’all imagine how much less stressful our lives would be?  If we didn’t fight His will all the time, or we allowed ourselves to be helped in the difficult times, we still wouldn’t have perfect lives all the time, but they would be a whole lot less anxiety-ridden and stressful. 

With us starting the adoption process, I have been having lots of days where I realize just how little control I have over anything.  I’m a control freak, so it hasn’t been easy.  But I’m telling you, letting God take care of things, and trusting that He will lead us in the direction we need to go, has been a huge stress reliever for me. God will not lead us astray!  We only end up lost when we stray from His guidance.  It’s been two years since I miscarried, and I still struggle to fully trust God, and to consistently pray.  I mean, I pray throughout my day, but setting aside time designated for prayer is still really hard for me, because I still find myself hurt and occasionally angry at God.  But I know He understands, and He loves me where I’m at in my spiritual journey.

One of the things I have found that helps me a lot is just saying a short little prayer or Bible verse when I find myself feeling like I’m in need of prayer.  My favorites are, “Jesus, I trust in You” and the Romans 8:18 Bible verse, “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us.”  They bring me so much peace every time I repeat them.  So stay the course, friends. Trust that God is right there waiting to carry you through each and every difficult moment.  Let Him love you, and spend time with Him in prayer, even if it’s just a quick minute.  It’ll be worth it!  And keep those prayers coming for us, if y’all would.  I’m praying for y’all! ❤

Welcome back friends!  So, the cat is out of the bag for our family and friends, but in case you don’t know yet:  WE’RE ADOPTING!  Well, we are very close to starting the process, at least.  There’s just so many things to consider and think about before you can even get started.

For example, the agency you go with is super important.  But how do you know you’ve picked the right agency?  And should you stay in the state where you live or venture out into another state all together?  And if you do that, can you be sure that the home study you have will be accepted in another state?  And can you be sure that the home study provider or social worker you choose will follow all the rules?  And what if they don’t?  And what if you start the process with an agency and God drops a situation right in your lap?  Can you leave the agency you’re with without penalties and loss of funds?

And all those chaotic thoughts are just about figuring out where to even start!  Y’all, it’s intense.  But I wanted to share with y’all the fact that starting this big new journey is really making me examine where my trust lies.  And I’m learning that I definitely tend to want to be in control rather than handing over the reins to God.  So knowing that Chris and I will have virtually no control over many aspects of the adoption process is really, really difficult.  I’ve been preparing myself for it for a while, or trying to, anyway, but in all honesty, I did not expect to feel so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information we need to know, and by all the decisions that need to be made.  I’m a worrier and I want to make sure all the decisions are the correct decisions, and I like to always know the outcome of my decisions.  I like to have all my little ducks in a row before I move forward with anything.  And that, my dear friends, can definitely slow things down. 

I’ve been researching adoption and all the different avenues hopeful families can take for many months now.  But now that we’re actually getting started, I truly do feel scared.  Not because I don’t think this is the right decision for us, it’s not that at all.  Chris and I talked about adoption for a really long time, and we have always been open to it.  We just really thought that we would be able to have biological kids, and then we could adopt later on.  But when we realized that adoption would most likely be our only  way to have kids, it suddenly became a whole lot more real, and a whole lot scarier.  But I know without a doubt that this is the right move for us.  I know because God put adoption on our hearts for years before we found ourselves in this place.  But I’m terrified to make the wrong decisions.  I’m terrified that we’ll be matched with a baby and the adoption will fall through.  I’m terrified for the woman who will carry our future child and then give that perfect baby to us, to love and care for.  I’m terrified that we’ll make mistakes, or choose the wrong agency, or say yes to the wrong match. 

There are so many things to fear in this new chapter.  It’s overwhelming some days, and other days, I stand in the kitchen and look across the living room and through the doorway of the room we have set aside for our baby.  And I’m at peace.  I’m at peace because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God is in charge.  And as difficult as that is for me sometimes, it really is comforting.  Because I can let go.  I can stop stressing, even if it’s just for a moment, and let God handle everything. 

Trusting God has been really difficult since I miscarried, and I’ve never tried to hide that fact.  Of course I trust Him, and I know that His plans are far better than mine, but I still fight them.  I still argue with His will for me.  Because let’s be honest, His master plan for our family hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing and rainbows and butterflies the last couple years, and during the Lenten season I tend to struggle even more than normal with His will (more on that next week).  But then I step back, and I look at all the beautiful, wonderful gifts I have in my life, and I am again at peace.  God has the most beautiful, perfect baby, created just for us, and all we need to do is trust that in His time, that baby will be in our arms. 

Please send lots of prayers our way as Chris and I start this journey to grow our family.  I am certain that prayers are powerful.  And I’m certain that we will need all that we can get.  So please, if you have a minute, send up a prayer for us to be able to adopt quickly.  It’s been my prayer for many months now that God would just drop a situation in our laps.  I realize that is ambitious, but St. Therese always said that we should ask very clearly for what we need or desire, and she’s a saint so she must’ve been right.  🙂  Really though, I know my desires are probably far-fetched, and that people in the adoption world would probably shake their heads and laugh if they knew I’d been praying that our whole process wouldn’t take more than nine months.  Heck, I’m laughing at it now.  But that’s been my prayer.  And I’m sticking to it.  And I’d appreciate if y’all would pray too.  I’m definitely praying for y’all! 

There are things about miscarriage that I was more or less forced to learn through experience.  I obviously knew (or thought I knew) what physically happens during a miscarriage, but I truly didn’t understand how deeply it would affect me forever.  I thought that maybe, eventually, I’d be able to move on like everybody always tries to do after a tragedy.  But it doesn’t exactly work that way. 

I wish I had known that when I started experiencing the earliest sign that something was wrong with my pregnancy, it would cause the most intense fear I’ve ever felt.  I never understood before that day the absolute panic of a parent when they know their child is in danger.  I begged God to let our baby grow and thrive, and that if something was wrong, to let it be wrong with me.  I bargained with Him, and said that if He would just let Madeleine grow, I didn’t care if I had to be in bed the whole time I was pregnant.  I would do it happily, with a smile on my face.  I would be poked and prodded with needles every day, I’d take medication, I’d stay in the hospital for nine months if that’s what it took for our baby to grow and  be healthy. 

I wish I had known that the hope I had when I first found out I was pregnant would spring up again when the earliest signs of miscarriage subsided and things seemed to once again be going well.  My doctor put me on progesterone, the bleeding stopped, I wasn’t cramping, and all my hormone levels were doing exactly what they were supposed to do in a healthy pregnancy.  And because of that, I allowed myself to hope.  I allowed my heart to believe that our baby was going to be absolutely fine. 

I wish I had known that the day I started bleeding again, and called my doctor insisting to be seen and demanding an ultrasound at seven weeks pregnant, would be burned into my mind forever.  My doctor cleared his afternoon schedule and Chris and I went in for an ultrasound, with me still somehow expecting to see our baby healthy on that screen, because I was convinced that the problem was with me and not the baby.  But when the picture came up on that huge screen in the cold, sterile exam room, I instantly knew I was miscarrying.  My doctor said, “I can’t find the baby.  I’m so sorry.”  And I remember every single detail about that moment.  We left the office in tears, while other women sat in the waiting room with their hands on their large pregnant bellies, or came out of exam rooms smiling while admiring their ultrasound pictures. 

I wish I had known that the process of fully miscarrying would take seven weeks from start to finish.  And that every day I would have reminders that my body had failed me.  Every single day I was reminded over and over again that our baby had died, and in the one place she should’ve been the most safe. 

I wish I had known that I would blame myself for a long time, and that it was okay.  I know it wasn’t my fault that Madeleine died.  Rationally I understand that.  But feelings are so often irrational.  And the guilt that comes with miscarriage is real.  And friends, that’s normal and it’s okay.  Please, please, please know that if you have felt that guilt, or if you are currently feeling it, it will ease up one day.

I wish I had known in the thick of my miscarriage that one day I would feel hopeful again.  But honestly, if someone had told me that I would feel better one day, I wouldn’t have believed them.  In those weeks I was truly in darkness.  I was so angry.  I screamed and cried at God, because I couldn’t understand how a good and kind and loving Father would allow His children to suffer in that way.  But I wish I had realized then that God doesn’t want us to suffer.  He never meant for us to suffer.  But He does allow it sometimes, because ultimately, in ways that we most likely will never understand on this earth, our suffering will help get us to Heaven, if we let it. 

Following my miscarriage, a dear friend, who understood exactly how I was feeling, reminded me of the intense power of uniting our suffering with the suffering of Christ on the Cross.  I was reminded that Christ had only a few people at the foot of the Cross:  those few who were closest to Him were united more fully in His suffering and death than anyone else.  Now, I know it sounds like I’m comparing myself to Jesus’s closest friends.  I’m really not, not at all.  But I do strive to be as close to Him as those who knelt at the foot of the Cross, comforting Him as He died for us. 

I wish I had truly understood at the time of my miscarriage how powerful suffering can be to our sanctification.  I handled the loss of our baby very badly for quite some time.  But eventually I came to realize (after many months) that I had the option to wallow in my misery, and waste the opportunity of earning massive amounts of graces, or I could unite my suffering to Christ’s suffering and offer it up to save souls.  Did I hurt less?  Nope.  I probably hurt more because it was a struggle just to get to that point.  But ultimately I learned the hard way that my broken heart was never what God wanted for me, but I must really need a saint in Heaven to intercede for me and for Chris, and to help us reach Heaven one day. 

I miss Madeleine every single day.  I keep that positive pregnancy test in a box and I look at it often, because I have days that I just need to be reminded that she is real.  I hate that we learned so many painful things in the last two years, and I do still wish I’d known those things sooner.  But how could I?  Nobody ever sat me down and said, “Okay, if and when you miscarry, this is what will happen,” because that’s not something that anyone is ever prepared for.  So if you find yourself learning these things, I am praying for you.  And these painful sufferings don’t just apply to miscarriage.  Grief is grief, regardless of the circumstances.  It takes a long time to work itself out, or to at least settle down to a simmer in your heart rather than a rolling boil of emotions.  But one day, it will become less painful.  And one day you will find joy again, and hope, and happiness.  But until then, trust that God really hasn’t abandoned you.  And if you know someone in the depths of serious suffering, reach out to them.  Just be there for them.  They need it, and they need to be reminded that they aren’t alone. 

I can honestly say that after two years, I have learned to truly be joyful, even in suffering.  I used to think that I’d rather never get pregnant than experience a miscarriage.  I don’t feel that way anymore.  I’ve never felt so broken and hopeless as I did when my pregnancy ended, but in those weeks, I learned how powerful a thing a parent’s love is.  I experienced love like I’d never known before, because I suddenly learned what it is to love your child.  And if I, a flawed, broken, sinful human being, can love like that, my goodness, how much more powerful must God’s love be for us! 

I pray that one day you fully realize just how much you are loved by our Heavenly Father.  Regardless of your sins, regardless of what your life looks like at the moment, you are immeasurably loved by God, and your sufferings never have to be in vain.  I’m praying for you!  ❤

For the first 2 years we were trying to conceive, Chris and I did our best to remain hopeful.  We weren’t always very good at it, but we tried.  We lived as though each month could be the one that brought a positive pregnancy test.  I took prenatal vitamins every day, and we read copious amounts of articles designed to help people just like us.  We took all the advice and said all the prayers, but in the end it really felt like it was all in vain. 

It didn’t take long for me to start feeling bitter and angry.  I’ll be honest with y’all:  bitter Hannah is not someone you want to meet.  I found myself becoming immediately angry when I would hear that yet another woman was pregnant.  Every Facebook pregnancy announcement made me upset, even if I hardly knew the couple.  I’d say such unkind things about them to myself, so often, in fact, that I had to actually make myself say something kind instead.  It worked…sort of.  🙂  But the anger was such a strong reaction to the realization that we might never have kids, that very often, I spent  my time being bitter, and being upset about what we couldn’t have, rather than thanking God for what we did have.  It made me a really unhappy person some days.

I remember this one time Chris and I were at a restaurant, about a year and a half into the infertility journey, and he pointed out to me someone that he used to know.  He said he’d seen on Facebook that she was pregnant.  My response?  “Of course she is!”  Yeah, told y’all bitter me is not a very nice version of myself.  The whole next day following that incident I was in a funk, because some random woman I didn’t even know was pregnant and I wasn’t.  And when we came home from mass that afternoon I cried uncontrollably.  It was one of the first times I can recall that infertility started to feel physically painful to me.  This whole little event seems so silly and petty now when I look back on it, and I actually find myself chuckling about it right now, at the sheer overreaction of my response to it.  But hey, sometimes that’s just how it goes.  I like to think I’m better at controlling my reactions these days.  🙂

Despite the roller-coaster of emotions we had every month – maybe this will be the month, nope, it’s not – Chris and I did manage to hang on to some shreds of hope that we’d miraculously get a positive pregnancy test and be able to welcome a sweet baby into our family.  In December of 2016, nearly two full years after we started trying to have a baby, we were told our chances were extremely slim.  And that was devastating.  But with that news came this weird sense of calm:  at least we knew and could stop having hope.  Hope is a funny thing, I think.  It’s so important for us to have hope, but in this situation it was really just making things worse.  If we could just stop hoping for a baby, and accept the fact that it would never happen, we would be able to move on and live our lives without constantly wondering.  So that’s really what we both tried to do at that point. 

For the New Year holiday that year we planned a trip to Colorado with Chris’s dad.  I love that state so much, y’all.  I love the mountains and the snow and the clear air and low humidity levels.  There’s just a whole other world there that we don’t get to experience in Louisiana.  That trip was exactly what Chris and I needed.  It gave us a chance to just get away for a little while and enjoy life, with no real worries, for the first time in quite a while. 

There was snow on the ground in Colorado during our trip, and for the first time in my life, I got to go sledding.  It was everything I ever dreamed it would be:  cold, wet, and unbelievably fun to the girl from Louisiana who never saw more than a sprinkling of snow back home.  And for a while, as I slid down a hill over and over again on my belly, because I’d fall off the sled every single time, I completely forgot about all my worries.  Something so simple and seemingly insignificant brought so much fun and relaxation for me, and I needed that badly. 

When Chris and I came home from that trip, I checked my NFP chart and realized my temperature had been elevated for 17 days.  That had never happened to me before.  Basically, even if a woman is not pregnant, her body acts like an incubator, just in case, and her temperature first thing in the morning is higher during the two or so weeks before a new cycle starts.  So I had quite the incubator effect going on, and I got suspicious. 

The next day, a Thursday, I mentioned this suspicion to Chris.  We were to the point by then that if there was a hint that I maybe could’ve been pregnant, our response was always, “Haha, yeah, sure.”  I know that’s a little sad, but it’s true.  So Chris’s response that day wasn’t a whole lot different.  We decided I should wait just one more day before taking a test, because those things are expensive so why waste them for a negative result?  Also, since we had been traveling, we figured that could’ve had an effect on me which caused the suspicious symptoms. 

Later that evening, while Chris was busy, I couldn’t wait any longer.  I snuck quietly and quickly into the bathroom and took a test. I sat it on the back of the toilet, like I had done with every other test I had taken in the previous 22 months, and before I could even walk out of the bathroom I saw the result show up.  The two most beautiful blue lines I had ever seen were staring back at me from that result window.  I could not believe my eyes.  I kept looking at the result and then looking at the diagram beside it, just to make sure I was reading it correctly and actually seeing a positive result.  I was shaking so badly I could hardly pick up the test, and when I did I sunk to the floor in the corner of the bathroom, too excited to speak and too shocked to move. 

I clearly remember how violently my heart was pounding as I waited to tell Chris.  I called him into the living room and told him to come sit on the sofa by me.  At first he didn’t move because he thought I was messing with him and was going to do something to annoy him.  So I had to keep insisting that he needed to come sit down.  I have never been so overjoyed in my life as I was in the moment I got to tell my husband he was a daddy.  I always imagined I’d think of some elaborate way to surprise him with that news, but that moment was absolutely perfect. 

We were so excited we wanted to tell our families right away.  And we did.  We told family members and close friends, and couldn’t wait to be able to tell the whole world.  Everyone was just as excited as we were.  They’d been hoping and praying right along with us for that baby, and finally those prayers had been answered! 

The night we found out about the baby I hardly slept because along with the excitement I felt, I was also terrified.  I suddenly understood completely what it feels like to worry about your child.  I was responsible for growing this tiny little human, and making sure she was safe and healthy and that is a really terrifying job!  But I was so happy.  Just knowing our baby was there with me was incredible.  I imagined what she’d look like, if she’d have Chris’s blue eyes or my curly hair, if she’d be short like me or tall like her dad, what her laugh would sound like…every little detail I imagined right from the first day I knew she existed.  And I so love her. 

Our sweet baby was never just an abstract blob in my belly.  She was always the most perfect little person, and for four glorious days, Chris and I were on cloud nine knowing that we were going to have a baby.  It never once crossed my mind that my pregnancy wouldn’t be full-term.  It never occurred to me that anything could or would go wrong.  I was so confident that everything would be perfect that I never thought God would allow it to be otherwise.  The knowledge that in September of 2017 we would finally be welcoming a baby into our home was enough to push away any negative thoughts that could’ve spoiled our joy and excitement. 

God did have other plans for my pregnancy, however.  But those plans have no place in the happiness found in remembering the time we got with Madeleine growing safely and sweetly inside of me.  I love recalling those few days before any fear crept into our minds, and before the terrible loss of our first baby. 

Friends, babies are babies whether they’re born or not.  Madeleine was a real, living human with a perfect soul, and she was loved and cherished and held every second of her short life.  No, we never got to hold her in our arms, or see her beautiful face, but she was alive and she is unbelievably loved.  I encourage all of y’all to say a little prayer for all the unborn babies today, that they can grow healthy and strong and be born into families that love them completely and unconditionally.  And I also encourage y’all to say a quick prayer for all the brand new mommas, who are seeing that positive pregnancy test, maybe for the first time.  Pray that their babies thrive within them, and that they can experience full-term, healthy, and joyful pregnancies. 

And while y’all are in a praying mood, throw out a little prayer for us too.  As always, I’m praying for y’all!